In this week’s episode, we get into the nitty gritty of small town dating. What are the lengths you’re willing to go to find your person?
In this week’s episode, we get into the nitty gritty of small town dating. What are the lengths you’re willing to go to find your person? Like emotionally but also how far are you willing to go... in a car? And what’s it like embarking on this solo adventure? We’re going to hear from two women with two totally different experiences. First up, we have Ruth, a divorced mom of 5 living in a small Michigan town. Then, we’ll hear from Claire, a queer woman living in rural Colorado. Host Anne Helen Petersen digs into dating with both women, hearing the highs and the lows of dating outside the big city.
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Find episode transcripts here: https://townsizing.simplecast.com/episodes/small-town-dating-it-isnt-easy
SHOW INTRO
One of the things I didn’t have to worry about when I made the move to Lummi Island was dating.
My partner Charlie was on board from the start.
I haven’t been single in a small town but today we’ll talk to two people who are. And how dating outside a big city isn’t really simpler…
The pool is smaller. Which means you can’t just swipe left for eternity. And in a small town – it won’t be an eternity. Bumble or Hinge or whatever app you use will let you know that you swiped through every available singleton.
At least that’s what my producer Joanna told me. I’ll let her tell her story.
Joanna: so few years ago I went to a small town in Iowa for a wedding. and I was just kind of like curious, when I went to the town, what the situation was like for people living there who were single. and so I opened Bumble and I swiped through some people that I already knew that were at the wedding and were not from Iowa and then I just got to a page I'd never seen before, which told me there was no more available people.
Anne: Wait, so like you opened up the app and the people that immediately showed up were like the other people at the wedding that were (laughs)
Joanna: Yes. It was just like all the single people from the wedding. It was like you know, someone adjacent to the family, like a family friend.
Anne: Mm-hmm. Yeah, Like I see that guy. I know that guy.
Joanna: Exactly. And that was the thing too about when I went to this wedding, that just made me think a lot about small town dating was-- everywhere you went, people were like, Oh, are you here for the wedding? Like, everyone knew them. And so I was like, I can't like imagine dating here too, because like if I broke up with someone, the barista would probably be like, I heard, you know, like I was just like.
Anne: it's very much like, oh, we're back in like a very small college pool. And everyone knows your business for sure. But I think that like the fact that there aren't even that many people who would show up like within your parameters, right? Like you just like swipe through and then you get to the page that you've never seen before where there's just, it's like you, there are no more men. None. You're done .
Joanna: Yeah. Yeah. You're like, No, I've done online dating. There's literally no more.
What I like about Joanna’s story is that it hits on several aspects of small town dating all at once. Like A. There’s a small pool. Like we discussed. B. You might know the person already. Or have seen them at the gym, or dated their sibling or had their mom as your math teacher.
Joanna didn’t end up going on a date. But imagine living in a small town and actually meeting people in person. If the date goes well, awesome. If it doesn’t… Well, you’re going to see them everywhere.
Like you go to the grocery store, you're probably going to see them. You go to a community event, they're probably there. The chance of running into someone that you've been in an awkward situation with – is just very high. But in some ways I like that. It's like when you were in college and you ran into your crush at breakfast, and then again walking across the quad and then again at the library and well, eventually you just get used to that awkwardness.
It's part of the charm.
SHOW ID
This is Townsizing, a podcast from HGTV all about small town living. And I’m your host, Anne Helen Petersen.
Sometimes dating isn't the top priority for single folks moving. It's just part of the overall community building that they wanna do. But sometimes it is. Sometimes having a partner is part of that small town fantasy of finding the same sort of ending as one of those small town hallmark movies.
In this week’s episode, we get into the nitty gritty of small town dating. What are the lengths you’re willing to go to find your person? Like emotionally but also how far are you willing to go... in a car? And what’s it like embarking on this solo adventure? We’re going to hear from two women with two totally different experiences.
SEGMENT 1 INTRO - RUTH
First up is Ruth Michelz (MIKE-ELZ). She’s a white single 52-year old woman living in a town of roughly 4,000 in Michigan. She’s a divorced mom of 5 – 3 of her own kids and 2 stepkids. But they’re out of the house. It’s just her and her Doberman Penelope. She loves her home, just a short walk from the lake. But she’s definitely on the look out for a companion.
Here’s our chat.
RUTH INTERVIEW
[00:00:00] Anne: so your daughter is the person who reached out to me, cuz I posted on Twitter, like I'm looking for a future episode of the podcast. I'm looking for a single person who is specifically worried about finding a partner or finding friends when they move to a small town because the dating pool limitations are very real and often under discussed. So why do you think that Grace nominated you?
[00:00:22] Ruth: My lovely daughter, so when we got divorced, my husband married like right away.
[00:00:38] Ruth: And so, She has seen me date a couple different men and, I mean, she's 23. I don't share everything with them, but, part of it is they think I'm too picky Like, well, you live in a small town like. Dental care isn't a priority for a lot of people here. Like it's just not.
[00:01:06] Anne: right. Or accessible, right?
[00:01:08] Ruth: Right. So my dating life, my list was teeth.
[00:01:13] Anne: Yeah.
[00:01:13] Ruth: A job and I wanted them to be taller. And then from there went like no smoking and like, you know, there was a list from there, but those were my three – A job, tall and teeth that's not even, that shouldn't be a thing, right?
[00:01:30] Anne: That, yeah, it shouldn't be that hard
[00:01:55] Ruth: Absolutely. and I mean, I went so far as a few years ago, I was literally looking to move like to a bigger area. I was gonna go down to Grand Rapids but then I found this job that I love. I found this cute little house that I renovated and like now I'm super happy where I am, except for I would love somebody to share with and it's not so much that I'm desperate for somebody, I just want somebody, You listen to all these songs about like, Oh, love, and like, I just want that.
[00:02:26] Anne: Well, and it's like another really good friend too, you know?
[00:02:29] Ruth: Right.
[00:02:30] Anne: like to share, like, to do things with. That's, I think that's part of what's sometimes lost in the conversation about companionship is it's a companion. Like it's someone to hang out with and like, you know, do a puzzle with, but also like to love. and so my my parents, my dad also was a doctor and my parents got divorced, and one of my mom's struggles dating in our small town in Idaho was that like everyone just like knew the story, right?
[00:03:02] Ruth: Yeah,
[00:03:03] Anne: Is that a struggle?
[00:03:04] Ruth: Yes. And it's funny because, because he's a doctor, everybody knows him and then afterwards, like, I think he's a great doctor and he had a great bedside manner and all of that. But, because. Everybody knew we were going through divorce and stuff. All these stories, how everybody disliked him. And, and it's like, you don't wanna hear that either,
[00:03:30] Anne: people just know your business.
[00:03:34] Ruth: Oh, So much, yes. Here, if you don't see somebody, you know, you know you're in the summer season, you know where all these vacationers are, you go and everyone you know, and you know them. Everyone
[00:04:01] Anne: Yeah. Like I'm at the point now where I think I would know where like most cars on the island, Like you're like, Oh yeah. Like even if you don't necessarily know that person, you're like, Oh, there's the orange truck. you know? Like that's just like, here we go. so I mean, there might be listeners in your, larger like bubble of dating area. So what's your dating profile? What do you say that you are looking for yourself besides, I mean, you have your disqualifiers, but like what is it that you are?
[00:04:31] Ruth: What I want?
Anne: Yeah.
Ruth: I want somebody funny who wants to go like to the movies, to a play. I drink wine. I go out with my friends. I have a good group of girlfriends, and whenever we all get together, it's always all four, five of them with their husbands and then me. I wanna bring my significant other to the group.
Anne: Yeah
Ruth: And I have two really close friends that, I come over here to dinner a lot and we play board games and it just would be nice to share that friendship with, and, you know,
[00:05:34] Anne: Yeah, those are, those are, those should be automatic attractors, so. Okay so, in your dating profile, like, what's your current mileage? Like, how far away can you go right now?
[00:05:42] Ruth: I do 20 miles in hopes, but it's always 200 or something like that. I mean, I get people from four hours away. Yeah. And then I agree to meet 'em halfway, like I'll meet, and they always say, because I always ask, always, What do you think about the distance?
[00:06:00] Anne: Yep.
[00:06:01] Ruth: And then they always say, Well, if there's a connection, it's okay. And you go on a date and it's great, and they think it's great, but they must get tired on the way home or something because they'll, yeah, it's too far of a drive or whatever.
[00:06:15] Anne: So did you have, like, I've, I feel like I heard that you had like a really good connection with someone and then they, they decided that it was too far.
[00:06:22] Ruth: Oh my gosh. Twice. Twice. I had one guy that lived about three hours away. and that's the problem with me too, is I fall too fast. Like I get so excited and like, I'm pretty impulsive maybe. I just, I get so excited, which is something I'm working on. But, so I met this guy and it was amazing. amazing. We, he took a picture of us, like our first date, like, Oh, this is gonna be our first date picture, And, About three days later it just started dwindling, the texting and then I got a text saying, You know, it's just too far. And I'm like, Okay. So then, then I met a guy that he moved here from Washington, DC
[00:07:09] Anne: Yeah,
[00:07:10] Ruth: and when I was talking to him, he was telling me about how his commute to work was like 45 minutes Like he was just stuck in traffic that whole time. Like, oh my gosh, this is ideal
[00:07:24] Anne: right. You're like, this is a guy who can deal with a little bit of like time in the car.
[00:07:29] Ruth: right. so the very first night we met, I drove to a restaurant near his. He moved to a smaller town than I live in. I don't think he realizes what the dating pool is gonna be like.
[00:07:40] Anne: Is gonna come back.
[00:07:41] Ruth: Oh yeah. Like, he can't know. so we met for dinner and everything went great and literally two days later he asked if he could come to Boyne City to take me out for dinner. And I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. Sure. Like, and we got along great and we watched a movie and everything was great. Well, he drove home, in the dark.
[00:08:00] Anne: Yeah,
[00:08:01] Ruth: and there's no street lights on the back roads. Like
[00:08:13] Ruth: he's new and you have to drive around lakes and it's just, Yeah, it was, 40, 45 minutes to get home, which, yes, Like, I know I drove it and he, said it was just not worth it.
[00:08:25] Anne: Well, and the hard thing is you gotta just, get over the hump, right? Because like maybe like later in your relationship you would be spending the night so you wouldn't have to worry about driving home dark at night. Right? But you have to get through that first part first, and that's hard. what's it like when you like open up the app and you see like someone new is on there that's within like 20 or 40 miles and you're like, Wow, new guy!
[00:08:48] Ruth: Yeah, and it's so, funny because. I have a couple of girlfriends that are all on the apps as well
[00:08:56] Anne: Really?
[00:08:57] Ruth: Yeah, and we've all like talked to similar people or the same people. So one of my friends actually started a singles group.
[00:09:06] Anne: Yeah.
[00:09:07] Ruth: No joke. There's like five women and one guy.
[00:09:10] Anne: This is (laughs) Always
[00:09:13] Ruth: It is like the bachelor, like you go out. This one time we all went on a boat, on this guy's boat, and I felt like everybody was competing to talk to this one single guy. I'm like, This is so ridiculous.
[00:09:28] Anne: Well, you know, I was talking to someone else earlier about what it's like to date in a small town and how like, you know, if you date someone and then especially if they like actually live in your town, like you're gonna see 'em around and how that's kind of awkward. But also it kind of reminds me of college too, where like.
[00:09:43] Ruth: Yes.
[00:09:44] Anne: Like your dating life is probably not that different from like say what your daughter’s was or something like that in terms of like, Oh, and this person like dated this person freshman year and then dated this person senior year and we all have to live with one another kind of thing.
[00:09:56] Ruth: So just two days ago, I had this guy that he plowed my driveway and he's a tree cutter and everything. Well, he's done that for me for years now. Well, he started like asking me out and he Like professed that he loved me last summer, and I'm like, eh, like who's gonna mow my lawn now? Or like,
[00:10:19] Anne: He made it weird! He made it weird! and now you don't have anyone about your lawn?!
[00:10:24] Ruth: He made it so weird. Well, just two days ago he texted me and he said, You must have found a man. And I'm like, Why? Well, I had a friend of mine watch my dog where I was gone a couple weekends ago, and he has a truck and he saw this guy's truck in my driveway and just, I'm like, Yeah, I'm surprised somebody else didn't say, Hey, who are you. You know.
[00:10:48] Anne: Right, and it's just cuz they see a truck in your driveway. This is
[00:10:51] Ruth: right. Because
[00:10:53] Anne:this is is how people know things. what advice would you have for other people who are. Your age who are thinking about like, Oh, I just need a fresh start. I need to move somewhere new. And thinking about a small town and what the dating pool will be like for them.
[00:12:28] Ruth: No, there's no dating pool. It's a dating puddle, it's very small and there's just no diversity,
[00:12:46] Anne: Right. What are the on the dating apps like what are the photos? What kind of photos do they usually share?
[00:12:52] Ruth: Fish.
[00:12:52] Anne: Yeah. Always a fish
[00:12:55] Ruth: Holding a fish. Yes. I, It does not represent anything that. It's just a fish yeah, holding a fish and then bathroom selfies.
[00:13:05] Anne: So my theory about the fish is that it's one of the few times when it's okay for a guy to be like, Take a picture of me, right?
[00:13:12] Ruth: Oh, maybe.
[00:13:13] Anne: You know, is when they're out fishing. So like if they look through their, they're looking through their phones and they're like, Oh man, like this is the only photo I have of myself is either when they're fishing or hunting. Right? Like, so just holding up the, the rack or whatever, and then taking a bad selfie in the mirror.
[00:13:28] Ruth: Yes, but sometimes it looks like it's in a public bathroom. You can see the hand dryer in the back. So for men, don't do that. That just looks bad. Like, is it a truck stop? And they're just like, Well,
[00:13:44] Anne: Well, I guess we're going on the app tonight.
[00:13:46] Ruth: Right, right.
[00:13:47] Anne: So the other thing in small towns is, especially like small rural towns away from urban environments, is there's a lot of, uh, I will say diversity of political opinion. And so how do you think about that when you're thinking about potential people to date?
[00:14:03] Ruth: So it's funny, one thing that I ask is do you have any signs in your yard? Yes. If they have a sign, it's not the sign I want, you know what I mean? When I ask that question nine times out of the 10, they stop talking to me because they know, like the question I'm asking, you know?
[00:14:24] Anne: What if someone's just like I have Like 17 ‘don't tread on me’ signs in my yard and –
[00:14:29] Ruth: oh, that's another thing is if that is their political belief, in their profile, they'll put that, you
[00:14:35] Anne: Yeah. They're sorting too.
[00:14:44] Ruth: Yeah. they'll put that in their, Yeah. In their bio.
[00:14:47] Anne: Yeah, that makes sense.
[00:14:49] Ruth: yes. But up here it's, don't tread on me and Trump.
[00:14:53] Anne: Well, and sometimes though I think people in cities have like this vision of like every single person who looks or lives a certain way is, you know, conservative or a don't tread on me person, and it's, that's not necessarily true either.
[00:15:06] Ruth: No, not at all. You never know. And I dated this one guy super, super nice. And I was shocked because, he watched like CBS or like MSN or whatever, but not Fox will say. And um, like, I'm like, that's awesome. But gosh, literally he got up at four in the morning. It was, I get off work at four in the afternoon and he was already like, ready for bed.
[00:15:30] Anne: like, winding down.
[00:15:31] Ruth: and it just was so hard. Cause he is such a nice guy, but like he had his easy chair and I'm not that old.
[00:16:57] Anne: So there, there's, so there's a lot of different possibilities and you're amazing. So hopefully this podcast gets you a date.
[00:17:07] Ruth: The thing is, look, I'm like, people just gave me shot Like they Hour and to see me like
[00:17:13] Anne: Do it. Hour and a half is nothing. I mean, out here in the west hour and a half, that's like nothing, I'll drive an hour and a half to go to a restaurant. Like it's fine.
[00:17:21] Ruth: Yeah. People drive an hour to go to Target up here. Right. You know? So. Yeah.
[00:17:27] Anne: Well, thank you so much for coming on the show today. This has been a pleasure
[00:17:31] Ruth: Thank you.
MIDROLL 16:52
SEGMENT 2 INTRO - CLAIRE
Ok we just heard from Ruth, a straight woman in her 50s living in Northern Michigan who is definitely looking for a companion. Now we're going to hear from Claire McKeever.
Claire is a 32-year-old queer woman living in a Colorado mountain town — a town that is very much not Vail. She moved there with a “situationship” but is now navigating her life single — and figuring out how that fits into her overarching quest for community.
CLAIRE INTERVIEW
[00:00:00] Anne: And what, what brought you to Leadville and when did you get there?
[00:00:03] Claire: I moved here a little over two years ago. most recently. I had been living in Oakland, California. and I moved there, years before, as you know, a part of a, a move with a partner at the time. And, I'm from Colorado originally. And grew up playing in the mountains, and that's something that's always been a big part of my life And, I'd already been planning to leave the Bay Area in early 2020. I kind of felt like my, my time there had run its course. The relationship ended. and I knew that I wanted to, I wanted to kind of figure out where to go next. My job has actually been remote since before the pandemic, and so that wasn't new to me and I kind of felt like it was time to. Take advantage of the fact that I could go anywhere. But then when Covid happened, that changed the, the calculation of where I wanted to be. And, I really wanted to be back in Colorado closer to my family, but I also I didn't wanna move back to Denver. That didn't feel like what I was going for either. And so, yeah, I started kind of poking around and it was really, there wasn't even really a question about it. It was kind of like when I decided. Didn't wanna be in Denver and I thought I wanted to be somewhere in the mountains. Leadville was kind of it. It was somewhere I've been, I've been coming for years and really love. And so yeah, I actually came and, and spent a week here in the summer of 2020, and just decided then like, you know, I could live here.
[00:01:21] Anne: You know it's funny, when I made the move from New York to Montana. People are like, Why would anyone do that? First of all, and this is people who live in in New York oftentimes, but also they're like, oh, but I thought you were from Idaho. Like, why would you move to Montana? And politics aside, I think that there's something like, there's a landscape that kind of like lives in your heart. It's totally corny, but I always talk about this with people like where you find your gravitational pull in usually like your late twenties, thirties. You're like, Okay, I've lived some places. Now I wanna go back to the place that like kind of makes me feel like me. And for me that was like Montana and now being in Washington state, like same sort of thing. Like it, it feels like me. Did it feel like that for you?
[00:02:03] Claire: Yeah. That's a really great way to put it. I love that, that language around the landscape that lives in your heart. It's kind of like, I knew that this was the spot and that has born out. And I kind of get two reactions from people too about Leadville in particular. Like if they have any familiarity with it, it's either, Oh my gosh, Leadville is amazing. You're so lucky you get to live there. Or it's, why would anyone live there? Um, so it really is kind of selective in that way for people either really get it or they don't.
[00:03:32] Anne: here's all of these mountain west towns, like up and down from, you know, Boise and Missoula, down to Denver and down into Arizona and New Mexico too, that are just like –
[00:03:43] Claire: Like when I moved here, I was renting at first and I was paying less for a lovely, cute two bedroom house than I had paid for a room in an apartment in Oakland. And so that also just felt like I had somehow unlocked some secret of being like, Wow, I can actually have an office. That's amazing.
[00:04:05] Anne: Right. So I'm, I'm a bit familiar with Leadville, but for people who are listening to the podcast who have no idea, can you try to explain it cuz it's pretty fascinating.
[00:04:14] Claire: It's a cool town. It's about two hours or a little less away from Denver, but I think it feels more remote than that. you have to, you know, I-70 is the main highway that goes from Denver into the mountains and kind of up to the ski resort areas, and you have to turn off of I-70 and go over another mountain pass, and so there is some physical distance and kind of some cognitive distance too.
[00:04:49] Anne: And the passes too for people who don't drive Mountain passes, like they just dictate a lot of your rhythms of your life and that sort of thing. So they are a barrier, yeah.
[00:04:51] Claire: Yeah So it feels remote. It's small. Um, the town itself has about 2,500 people. The county is, I think closer to 7,000 if I remember right.. And it's history is that, it's a mining town. in the late 1800s. There was a huge silver boom here, at one point it was the richest square mile in America. Like it was really a yeah. Boom town in the 1800s where there was just all of this, wealth and affluence and, they were going to make it the capital of Colorado at one point which if you actually come here now,, it's crazy to think about because of how hard it is to, to live here. It's at 10,000 feet. , and so it's, yeah, I think it's the highest, , incorporated town in the country. There are some unincorporated ones that are slightly higher, but it, is actually like the highest highest town you could live in, in, in the lower 48. So it's way up here. It's not a hospitable environment to host guests necessarily. Like people
[00:05:57] Anne: Yeah. Like how is your skin?
[00:05:58] Claire: It's so dry. It's so dry. People need like a few days to acclimate so they don't stop feeling the altitude sickness. Cause if you think about it, that's. it is from sea level to Denver, and then you do that again. And so anyone who's even had that reference point of coming up to a high altitude place like Denver, it's, it's that much more extreme. So yes, it's, it's, a, it's an interesting place to live. but after kind of a, the mining bust, um, it's, it's had an interesting journey and has been pretty impoverished for a long time. but like many rural places, that's actually. a place where people are actually able to live and settle in a way that even nearby mountain towns, that's not the case. And so in recent decades, it's actually been a place where it's more affordable to live for folks who are working in the nearby resort towns. That's changing, like it is getting more expensive to live here now. Like it is everywhere. And because of people like me who are moving here. My neighbors have been in their houses for 40 years and things like that. So it has a lot of history and community too.
[00:07:16] Anne: yeah. yeah. It reminds me there's several towns like that in Montana. Columbia Falls, which is near Whitefish, and that are in that process of kind of changing, but still have a lot of that original, those people who like, they have not been priced out yet. And there's a real potential in this moment to kind of be proactive about not pricing people out. And sometimes I just get scared that like, these towns aren't learning from the history that is right there in the, in so many other towns In terms of figuring out sustainability, in terms of housing.
[00:07:47] Claire: It's such a conversation here now too. There's nowhere else to go. Like if you get priced out of here, right? There's nowhere nearby that's as affordable as it is here. And so, yeah, it's pretty scary. And, and it changes. It's gonna change the character of the place, which is why, why people love being here in the first place.
[00:08:06] Anne: Totally. It's like the conversation around Bozeman is always like, Oh, why are all these people coming from California to make it into a little California? Like, that's, you're changing it into the thing that you wanted to get away from. That's a huge tension, I think with small towns. So, Okay. So dating, when you made this decision, were you thinking about dating? Was it in the back of your head? Like where was it in your consideration?
[00:08:30] Claire: It was and it wasn't, I I recently learned the term, situationship and at the time I moved here, I actually had kind of a, a situationship going with someone who I had been dating in Oakland, who had also moved away. so I had some long distance companionship that I think sort of took the edge off of the idea of moving. Yep. To somewhere so small and by myself, but we weren't ever gonna move to where the other person was. And so I knew that that wasn't, wasn't a long term solution. So yeah, I had to be comfortable with the fact that I was moving by myself and I was moving to a place where the dating pool was small to begin with, and then I'm also queer, and so that shrinks it down even further where it was like, I might just be alone forever. Like that is something that I truly made peace with. I had to trust that that would, that I would be okay with that if I were making this decision. And obviously you could move elsewhere and that things would change down the road. But that was kind of what I, the conversation I had with myself was like, All right, we're doing this by ourselves, like
[00:09:53] Anne: Right. I mean, Well, and you and I talked a little bit about this before, but like that you, you do like spending time by yourself.
[00:09:59] Claire: Yeah. Oh yeah. I have a pretty much infinite capacity to spend time by myself, and I love other people. I love building community, and I also am someone who I think is on the far end of the spectrum of being comfortable alone. But, I moved here, like I said, in, in part, to build a community. Being outside and being active is a huge part of my life and a huge part of why I live here and I love the mountains specifically and just like spending as much time as possible as I can and outside in a beautiful place. which is a big part of why I love Leadville so much. And aside from that, I love thinking about, I always describe it as like questions of being a person in the world and what is it, what is it like to experience the different forces that we experience and make sense and meaning of our lives? And so a lot of how I spend time, both by myself and with people, is kind of centered on those questions of like, okay, what are we doing here and how do we make it, we make it matter?
[00:14:57] Anne: When you talk about the importance of building community, I think sometimes when we center ourselves on that question, instead of like, how can I personally find a life mate… It takes some of the pressure off of dating, right? Because you're not, you're not lonely because you have community. Like, it's not this, this feeling of absence in your life or like lack of wholeness or something, because you can be made whole in so many other ways too.
[00:15:22] Claire: Yeah, and that is, been a huge part kind of informing my philosophy of how, how I approach moving here and how I've approached community building is really through that lens. I would say the, the people I spend the most time with are also other single people. And like there are a lot of us and a lot people who are divorced or never married and moved here kind of like I did as a part of a life transition where they were taking a chance on a new place. And that's actually something that I also really love about being here, is that Leadville is not somewhere you end up by accident. It's like, no one just moved here because their job put them here or because like, you really have to choose to be here. And so that selects for people who are also really excited to meet the other people who chose to be here. Like we all have that in common. And so that, that just makes for a really cool environment where I think people are really open to building that. And I describe it as being like College but way better because we're all grown up and, have our shit together.
[00:16:44] Anne: That's so true. Like So how did you meet this community? I think this is the part, the piece of the puzzle that people oftentimes are like, Yeah, I wanna move to this place, but especially if I'm working remotely or I don't have kids, how am I gonna meet friends?
[00:17:12] Claire: Yeah. And I said earlier that I have a pretty infinite capacity to spend time alone. I just started showing up for things and making myself continue to showing up. Like it is not necessarily fun in those early stages. Go to… I went to a bunch of running clubs, for example, like I'm a runner and so there's a running club that meets at 6:30 on Wednesday mornings. It was still dark and the first morning I went, it was three degrees and snowing, and I was like, All right, well I have to come back next week because Yep. if I don't, I don't know how I'm going to continue to meet people and just kind of had to trust that over time, these strangers who I was trying to make awkward conversation with while like not being able to breathe because we're going on a run at 10,000 feet, that eventually these people would become my friends and they have. like, that's a huge part of where I have met the, the bulk of people who I spend a lot of time with, is through those, those running groups and then kind of once you get your foot in the door, then all of a sudden it feels like you know everyone.
[00:19:44] Anne: Do you feel like you're ever gonna meet someone to date in town? Like is there gonna, like, it's gonna show up on your app and you're gonna be like, Oh my God. Or like, Will you know that someone is new? Like someone new in the dating pool? Y Like all your friends will be like oh, there's someone new for you.
[00:20:03] Claire: That's another thing I told myself or talking about people with is I was like, either there's going to be some like perfect match who happens to also self-select into this tiny place. Or what people some, what someone else told me is like, no, you have to import. You gotta, you gotta bring them in. I am not holding out for that. The mountain towns in particular have, tend to be, have like a pretty high ratio of men to women. So I think it could be a great dating pool if you are.
[00:20:49] Anne: Straight
[00:20:50] Claire: Straight woman who is looking for a partner. But yeah, my odds aren't, don't feel great.
[00:20:56] Anne: So when you've gone on dates, have you usually gone into town or like, or closer to Denver like that? What direction? Or have people come more to you?
[00:21:05] Claire: I've actually, I've only gone on a couple of dates and one of them was someone who lives in Summit County, which is another one of the, the nearby mountain towns. It's only a 40 minute drive, you just have to go over the one pass. Um, which is funny cuz that felt like oh, so close. This is great. Um, and then the other is with someone who I'm actually really excited about. but yeah, she lives on the front range and was driving through to go to a mountain biking trip and, and was like, you know, I'm gonna be coming through town if you wanna meet up. And so it kind of worked out perfectly to be able to meet up and no one had to go outta their way or anything, but even just when I was chatting with people and that kind of thing, like yeah, the, the coordinating very quickly becomes complicated. Yeah.
[00:22:12] Anne: So if you were gonna give advice to someone who is in a similar situation where like they really wanna choose to go to a specific town and is maybe a little bit anxious like What has worked well for you in terms of maintaining happiness while also figuring out this moment in your dating life?
[00:22:28] Claire: I mean, one of the things that just made it really an easy decision for me is that I was really clear on what my kind of values and wants were for myself. I knew that I'd always wanted to try living somewhere in the mountains and somewhere where I was closer to doing these activities that I really love. I know myself well enough and feel confident in my ability to make friends and build community and be intentional about how I want to approach that. I was clear enough on all of those things, and I think you have to be clear enough on what your priorities are for why you're doing this. And then it's actually pretty clear, it wasn't a scary decision. and just kind of being able to trust that if I meet someone, great. If I don't, that's okay too. If that becomes more important to me later down the line, then you can always change things. You can always move back to a city. You can figure out how to, reprioritize things in your life if you, if that's something that's so important to you, that that is the top priority at that time. And you know, I kind of trusted that I would know if and when that was the case.
[00:23:55] Anne: Yeah, it reminds me of some, um, cheesy advice that I think I once heard, which is that the first thing to do is to figure out like, what makes you confident and what makes you happy, and then like, you'll magically become magnetic to your partner, right? Like the, but the first thing is like to figure out what makes like you happy without someone before you can figure out finding someone. And I think that that's such a great foundation to, to go forward from.
[00:24:34] Claire: Well, you know, I had been sort of on the tails of a serious relationship that hadn't worked out, and that always makes you reevaluate too. like, okay, if I get to pick how I spend my time and what makes me happy and what lights me up then. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna, I'm gonna really just go hard in that direction. And I honestly, like, I am happier than I have been in a very long time. And so that has been just, yeah, it's been really liberating and and has felt really good to be able to, to make those choices for myself. I read something recently of someone saying, You know, the people I'm dating, they may think they're competing against each other, but they're actually competing against my solitude. And that is the perspective that I have right now is like, Yeah, you better prove that you are better than all of the other things that are bringing me joy in my life right now in order for me to, to make that time for you because I got it pretty good so you better be really bringing something to the table.
OUTRO
In our next episode, we get into one of the perks of small town living: homes with history. We talk to two people who you might unknowingly know through their wildly popular Instagram. And we’ll hear from someone who left the big city for a small town to take on an unwieldy restoration project. Now, we’re not talking about house flipping. We’re talking about cheap houses — houses that are still affordable to people who don’t come from family money — and lovingly rehabbing them.
We'll get to all of those details of bringing a house back to its original glory and much more.
END CREDITS
Townsizing is produced by Neon Hum Media for HGTV. You can follow our show wherever you get your podcasts. If you like the show, we'd love it if you could take a second to leave us a review on Apple podcasts. It helps other folks find the show. I’m Anne Helen Petersen and if you see me online or in real life, be sure to give me that small town wave.